Actually, I've never been happy as a Christian. I've lived my entire life feeling shame, condemnation, fear, guilt, worthless,guilt for existing, guilt for having anything--love, safety,, something good happen, everything! I've only been around people who believe as I've been taught. I've been taught since I was a tiny child that if I didn't believe exactly as I was being taught to believe that I would suffer the worst, imaginable horrors in hell for eternity. I was terrified to death as a 3 year old. I had nightmares of huge demons humanoid /bee type demons coming in the night burning my eyes out. I've been so terrified my entire life that I've gotten "re-saved" dozens of times because I've been subjected to the mindset that if I might have had even a tiny hint of insincerity in my "sinner's prayer that it may not have "taken " and even though I did ask Christ into my heart, He may not actually be there and I may fall under the scriptures that say some think they are saved but God will cast you out sayin, "I never knew you." At almost 50, I am for the 1st time in my life even READING any other view point and considering that none of this may be true. They keep people so enslaved by making part of the requirements for s"salvation" " that if you even seek out, "look back" or doubt any part of it, then you are not fit for the "Kingdom of heaven" So you spend your life terrified to even consider LOOKING. at anything else for fear you will burn in hell for eternity. I have spent every waking moment in my life feeling scrutinized by "other Christians" so. much so that I've felt small, worthless, never able to measure up, I've given up love, intimacy, freedom to enjoy a flower, a meal. I would have liked another baby but feared if I insisted on it and my husband didn't totally feel sure about it, that "God" wouldn't bless it and feared some curse would come upon me. My mother has terrified me to feel if I love my child too much that "God" would kill her off to punish me for not "worshiping" only him. I've felt terrified every moment of loosing my child. I read Sam Harris's "Letter to a Christian Nation." I never felt so free in my life. I wish there were an organization I could be part of to learn EVERYTHING. possible to learn about what any intelligent person, who thinks like he does. I never knew the Koran teachees that it is the "only holy, divine, inspired word of God." I didn't know that they are being taught they will burn in hell for eternity if they don't believe exactly as the Koran says. I had no idea of anything! Just the occult I've been psyched into since the moment I was born. We are brainwashed. I ALWAYS knew I did not truly believe much of what the bible says. I had to play the game to save myself from hell and from the shunning that would take place if one DARED to reveal a doubt. I am going to read everything I can get my hands on. I've always LOVED doing what is right. I.E. common sense things like being faithful, or helping someone, or being kind or honest, but even that natural aspect within me was constantly twisted into "having" do do such things in order to "prove" I am a "true" sincere" "Christian." I could not just do them out of my love for them. They had to have the identification tag latched onto them to "provide proof" of my "actual" Christianity. I am having to relearn everything. I wish I could go live in an atheist deprogramming camp to get a jump start cleansing. I'm having to process what joy feels like. What having a life to live feels like.
Actually, I've never been happy as a Christian. I've lived my entire life feeling shame, condemnation, fear, guilt, worthless,guilt for existing, guilt for having anything--love, safety,, something good happen, everything! I've only been around people who believe as I've been taught. I've been taught since I was a tiny child that if I didn't believe exactly as I was being taught to believe that I would suffer the worst, imaginable horrors in hell for eternity. I was terrified to death as a 3 year old. I had nightmares of huge demons humanoid /bee type demons coming in the night burning my eyes out. I've been so terrified my entire life that I've gotten "re-saved" dozens of times because I've been subjected to the mindset that if I might have had even a tiny hint of insincerity in my "sinner's prayer that it may not have "taken " and even though I did ask Christ into my heart, He may not actually be there and I may fall under the scriptures that say some think they are saved but God will cast you out sayin, "I never knew you." At almost 50, I am for the 1st time in my life even READING any other view point and considering that none of this may be true. They keep people so enslaved by making part of the requirements for s"salvation" " that if you even seek out, "look back" or doubt any part of it, then you are not fit for the "Kingdom of heaven" So you spend your life terrified to even consider LOOKING. at anything else for fear you will burn in hell for eternity. I have spent every waking moment in my life feeling scrutinized by "other Christians" so. much so that I've felt small, worthless, never able to measure up, I've given up love, intimacy, freedom to enjoy a flower, a meal. I would have liked another baby but feared if I insisted on it and my husband didn't totally feel sure about it, that "God" wouldn't bless it and feared some curse would come upon me. My mother has terrified me to feel if I love my child too much that "God" would kill her off to punish me for not "worshiping" only him. I've felt terrified every moment of loosing my child. I read Sam Harris's "Letter to a Christian Nation." I never felt so free in my life. I wish there were an organization I could be part of to learn EVERYTHING. possible to learn about what any intelligent person, who thinks like he does. I never knew the Koran teachees that it is the "only holy, divine, inspired word of God." I didn't know that they are being taught they will burn in hell for eternity if they don't believe exactly as the Koran says. I had no idea of anything! Just the occult I've been psyched into since the moment I was born. We are brainwashed. I ALWAYS knew I did not truly believe much of what the bible says. I had to play the game to save myself from hell and from the shunning that would take place if one DARED to reveal a doubt. I am going to read everything I can get my hands on. I've always LOVED doing what is right. I.E. common sense things like being faithful, or helping someone, or being kind or honest, but even that natural aspect within me was constantly twisted into "having" do do such things in order to "prove" I am a "true" sincere" "Christian." I could not just do them out of my love for them. They had to have the identification tag latched onto them to "provide proof" of my "actual" Christianity. I am having to relearn everything. I wish I could go live in an atheist deprogramming camp to get a jump start cleansing. I'm having to process what joy feels like. What having a life to live feels like.
4:33am
comment on atheist quote:
The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one