Taoism:
Shit happens.

Buddhism:
If shit happens, it's not really shit.

Islam:
If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.

Protestantism:
Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Judaism:
Why does this shit always happen to us?

Hinduism:
This shit happened before.

Catholicism:
Shit happens because you're bad.

Hare Krishna:
Shit happens rama rama.

T.V. Evangelism:
Send more shit.

Atheism:
No shit.

Jehova's Witness:
Knock knock, shit happens.

Hedonism:
There's nothing like a good shit happening.

Christian Science:
Shit happens in your mind.

Agnosticism:
Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.

Rastafarianism:
Let's smoke this shit.

Existentialism:
What is shit anyway?

Stoicism:
This shit doesn't bother me.